Sunday, June 29, 2008

cherryboi and me, the saga goes on.............

I haven't posted in more than a month. Things have been crazy professionally, but in my personal life things have been going very well. I have been out of town a lot for work - Pittsburgh, Richmond, Raleigh-Durham and Atlanta. I have spent more than a week in Atlanta on two different occasions. cherryboi
was in DC finishing up law school for the spring term. We have fallen into this habit of texting back and forth through the day and if we aren't together, we end the day with a phone call. He is my boyfriend and things have been going well.

I don't do the relationship thing very well, I have noticed. Too may years by myself? Too pessimistic from years of disappointment? cherryboi says that he cares and he does all the right things to show that he cares, I wait for the next shoe to drop. Sometimes I hunt for trouble where there is none and make it when I can't find it, I think.

On the Thursday evening of my last trip to Atlanta, I had just gotten back to my hotel room and was thinking about what to do for dinner when there was a knock at my door. I opened the door to find cherryboi standing there with a big smile and an a bag slung over his shoulder. We ended up playing, sucking and fucking for the next 3 days. It was a very pleasant surprise and in a whole bunch of ways brought us even closer. While we were laying in each other's arms on day 2, I mentioned what a pleasant surprise it had been for him to just hop a plane and come down to see me. cherryboi gave me a big kiss and said, "I missed you and I wanted to be sure you were fucking me this weekend." He looked at me tenderly for a long time and we both knew what he was saying. I avoided taking him up on the topic. Then he said, "You know that I love you." I think for the first time, I really believed he might truly love me. It felt good!

Fast forward to Memorial Day Weekend, I decided that cherryboi and I should go away for the weekend. At my recommendation, we ended up at the house I stayed in last summer in Corolla in the Outer Banks. We drove down and took our time getting there. We went down on Thursday before Memorial Day and came back Tuesday after. It's not going to make for hot reading, but it was nice. We spent time on the beach and roaming around the Outer Banks. Took a guided tour of the rugged areas north of Corolla to see the wild horses. We fucked every night and again leisurely in the morning. We spent time cooking and drinking wine. We also finally had "the conversation".

Saturday night, cherryboi made a lemon and seafood pasta dish from a recipe he got from Rachel Ray on the Food Channel. I put together a salad and found two good bottles of wine. We kicked back on the deck overlooking the Atlantic with some candles and enjoyed a very relaxed dinner. We talked about us. cherryboi talked about politics and what his schedule with the Congressman will be this fall. He was so extremely cute trying to feel me out about whether it bothers me that he needs to travel a lot for work this fall. Then came the trap. I am not sure if it was the wine or three days of enjoying his tight ass, but before I knew what was coming he changed topic and starts:

cherryboi: "We need to talk about something. I have tried to bring this up several times, but I always chicken out. I am almost afraid to bring this up tonite, but I need to know something."

Me, gulping for air: "What?"

cherryboi: "Besides me, who else do you fuck bareback?"

It was hard to see his face in the candle light. The fact that he couldn't see my face may have been the only reason that he felt comfortable enough to ask this time. There was almost a child-like quality to his voice. I instantly felt anxious and almost scared.

Me, after a long pause: "What do you want me to say?"

cherryboi: "Let me talk before you say anything. Ok? We fuck bare. Don't get me wrong, I luv it. I really luv it. But, it's not like it was a mutual decision, You wanted to fuck bare and we do. Just please be honest with me. I am scared and I need to know where we stand with this."

Me: "You are the only guy I am fucking bare."

There was a really long period of silence. All I could hear was the pounding of the surf. I deliberately broke the silence.

Me: "You know, I got very lucky. I answered an ad on Craigslist and the guy turned out to be this incredible young man. I was just out of a rocky relationship and I was looking to get laid. I ended up finding this incredibly attractive, intelligent and accomplished guy who is becoming my friend and happens to be a very giving lover and hot piece of ass."

cherryboi: "What about that guy K?"

Me: "What about him?"

cherryboi: "God, I sound desperate. I ran this conversation over and over in my head and I did not want to sound desperate."

Me: "It has been over with K since before we met. I am not seeing him or fucking him."

cherryboi: "I know you are with other guys. I have known it all along. In the beginning of our relationship, I just wanted a relationship with you. I was confused about how I felt about me, about being with a man and about being gay, so I didn't really think about the other guys you might be with. I focused on trying to convince you that I was serious about us. At the same time, it was kinda hot that you had choices and chose me. Then after a while, I started to think that there were other guys because there was something I wasn't satisfying for you. I think I realize that other guys you are with have nothing to do with me or I try to convince myself of that. Now, I am just scared. You are in me. We use no protection and I have no idea how much risk I am taking."

My heart was pounding. It was pounding hard enough that I could hear the pulses in my eardrums over the surf.

Me: "Look this is going to sound like a cliche, but what we do and the intimacy we share is making love. With other guys, it is random sex. I was HIV- on my last test and that was more than a year ago. (Back when I was fucking Anonymous Fuck in Virginia, but I didn't share this with cherryboi.) When we get back home, you and I should both go together to the Whitman-Walker Clinic in the Dupont get tested."

cherryboi: "You will do that for me?"

Me: "Yes. And for what it is worth, I am aware that fucking you bare is a risk. I wouldn't deliberately expose you to more risk by exposing you to other guys. I have not been fucking anyone else bare. I promise you that. If you feel coerced by me to fuck bare, we need to stop now."

cherryboi: "That's the problem. I am conflicted and scared, because I don't want to stop. I want to be yours totally. But, I want one other promise."

Me: "Ok, what's that?"

cherryboi: "Promise that you won't fuck anyone else bare and promise not to fuck anyone that we know.

It seemed like 2 promises, but I promised without a comment or hesitation.

Me: "We can both live by those ground rules."

cherryboi: "You know that I love you. I don't want anyone else."

Me: "When you do I understand."

cherryboi: "I won't."

This young man's love is something wonderful and scary for me. It is completely unconditional and unselfish. I doubt that I deserve it, but it feels so GOOD!


Anonymous said...

You don't deserve it.

Anonymous said...

I disagree. I was mean to you in the past, but we all deserve the best. You do too. I am happy for you. A hot ass, a great guy and he tells you, you can fuck around, just be safe. Not bad advice for anyone. He's young but he sure is wise to expect you to be faithful. So go for it, be the best boyfriend you can be to him. I am happy for you. Keep us posted. How's the cop?

-=Z=- said...

From what I've read in your other posts, you have fucked other guys BB. So yeah, by lying to him, you really don't deserve it.

meshugener said...

Hey I just finished reading your post and wanted congratulate you on not being defensive and being open to some sort of commitment with Cherryboi.

The post had a lot of feeling in it and although it wasn't full of sexual details - it made me hard - because it seemed real.

Having read the other comments - I wanted to say it is easy to be judgemental - you are sharing your story - how true or not is not ours to judge - what I appreciate is the emotion that comes across on the page - thanks!

Anonymous said...

You totally were not honest with him. You wrote about fucking him then fucking someone else. I hope you're both negative because if not you'll be another statistic.

Anonymous said...

You're either going to break his heart, give him HIV, or both, so if you like the kid it's probably best that you break up now, before the potential damage gets any worse.

The Average Joe said...

There are two kinds of bottoms out there. Those who just want cock in them no matter who it comes from, how it comes to them or when, and then there are guys like him who are totally devoted to their top boyfriends. USE A CONDOM with the other ones!

damien whitfield said...

i agree with the average joe, please use a condom with other guys, don't do this to him, he is so sweet and he loves u, don't hurt him please.

David said...

two comments: 1) even if you lied to him in that moment, make up for it now and make a vow to do what you promised from now on. this guy is great. there aren't many out there who are so open-minded. 2) he said twice in this post that he loves you. did you tell him you loved him? do you?

Thirty3 Naked Laydies said...

I'm not here to judge, because we all make mistakes. We all get caught up in the heat of the moment. We all have stories... and secrets.

And this is why I and so many avid readers enjoy reading your blog. You expose yourself. Your fears, their fears, your doubts, their doubts, your hesitations, their joys. You question their questions and through it all... you grow... they grow... we grow.