I appreciate all of the e-mails I have received. I have cooled off or relaxed ... whatever it is and finally talked with K today. I won't get into every detail, but it is pretty obvious that this is far more about him and me.
Yes, I may not be behaving properly. Yes, it appears that on some level K wanted me to find this out. It was a casual night at my place. He could have made an excuse and not showed. He could have made an excuse and I wouldn't have undressed him. There was no way I was going see his body and not notice the cigarette burn marks. He wanted me to know this.
Bottom-line, as I told K today, I am not going to burn him with cigarettes or do any other things along this line. I think that he may have wanted to push me away and he has been successful. I told him that I was shocked because outwardly I thought we were learning each other and growing closer. I think I was getting too close and he grew uncomfortable. I think he can deal with the level of intimacy that results in him being used or being burned with a cigarette. I don't think he can deal with the intimacy that we were developing.
Finally, to those who correctly pointed out that I was still hooking up. That is correct. K and I had the talk and he wanted me to continue hooking up and to include him occasionally. The hookup is not why I lost it. If I had been jealous, I would have made a play for exclusivity. I was attempting to accommodate to his needs to a certain level, but I can't be something I am not. Also, I don't expect K to be something he is not. I don't know where we are, but it is very far apart today.
He is crying. He is upset. I am upset too. I doubt we will both come out of this happy.
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okay straight off the bat, big fan of u and K, it made me believe in love for perverts and I guess I'm an old softie this way.
bottom line babe, boo on making him cry but i hope u are doing better too.
now u dont have to believe me when i say this but maybe he fucked things up on purpose so he could be treated like this. at the end of the day even if u treat him like shit, its out of a loving place, i dont think he can deal with that. im not saying give him a second chance but i really get the feeling he got shit scared, he probably loves/likes u too much to simply break it off and thought whats the best way to get dumped and hurt in the process. its a fucked up mechanism, one that you shouldnt have to deal with , but if u wanted to make sense of it to find a reason to forgive him and move on, i thought id give u my take on it.
relationships which are sexually satisfying are about two ppl being satisfied and not being put out or doing things they dont want to. that means no cigarette burns from your end.
ask him, does he want to be burnt by a cigarette or just found out to be a dirty filthy slut and be dumped. if its the latter you know that no matter what happens things like this will keep cropping up. if he likes being burnt by cigarettes and marked as trash by his tricks, then u might be able to work around that.
one suggestion, tell him point blank. hes a bottom, bottoms should be happy with one man, one dick, he should suffer dry spells if u arnt there to give it to him if he wants to be a devotional fag. youre a top, tops need to spread themselves and sow wild oats. i think thats something which would build off of what you have but keep him in line.
but at the end of the day, as much as i love K and the idea of u helping and healing him, there is only so much you can go on the plank to save someone from jumping ship before u start drowning in the waters yourself. know what you want and what you will not stand for and tell him.
i think you really like K, i hope it works out, or whatever happens, happens for the best.
good points, joe. but...
will everyone stop being mad at insoflo for "making k cry"?! insoflo didn't burn him with the fuckin cigarette, nor did he force k to keep this aspect of his life a secret. if anyone, insoflo should be the one crying!
well, maybe not but u know what i mean...
i agree. don't be mad at insoflo...but i think you are going to have to teach K how to be loved. Keep in mind relationships are never perfect. so don't just walk away from this one. try again....
i hate to do this but I TOLD YOU SO! he is fucking nuts! i said it long ago. dump him. you cant help him. i cant believe people in the comments want you to stay with him!
now before everyone flips out on me just hear me out. i dont think hes dealt with what happened to him in the past and his behavoir now is a manifestation of it. dont get me wrong im all for kink but considering his specific situation he is begging for help, in the worst way, by choosing to be a victim, over and over again, of the rape that happened to him.
the rape fucked his emptions (it might have been his first gay exp. or he feels bad bc he might have enjoyed it against his will) and he thinks re-living that horrible violation, is love. AND I DONT CARE WHAT ANY OF YOU SAY but there is no way he loves himself. love is not having someone put a cigarette out on you.
and sadly, dctop, i dont think he can ever love you. besides, would you really want to be with someone that has no respect for himself? how could he respect you? besides, where will it all end? what if he wants to do something more dangerous?
i think you need cute lil' power bottom not a cute lil' psycho bottom. ill throw my legs up in the air for ya!
bring it kids. im ready.
^anonymous, have some faith. even though i understand what u mean about K (possibly) not loving himself, it seems like u're makin a lot of assumptions about him that may or may not be true.
maybe i'm just an optimist but...i still think that K will someday get to a place where he feels more comfortable with himself. insoflo may or may not be a part of that, but it's nice to expect good things from people, u know?
hey baltimorean, believe it or not im an optimist. i love, love. and would be all about it for dctop but not with k. and im not calling you out, baltimorean, i just want to rant..
i dont want to make assumptions so im going to go with the facts. 1. k was raped. 2. k, sexually, likes to be dominated and treated like trash (i.e) having cigarettes put out on him.
why am i the only one that thinks this combo is wierd?
i dont get why people are trying to bring dctop and k together coming up with the lamest excuses. "maybe he wanted you to see, so you can help him!" or "dont give up on love.. blah blah blah." i dont know k, but i do know that if he came to me with some crazy shit like that i know it would only be trouble. its like staying with a junkie cuz you can save him! or hoping for the one momemt that abusive dude will be nice. k. needs help and he needs to work on himself.
riddle me this kids, if k.hadnt been raped, do you think he would still have the sexual prefrence he has now?
btw, dctop. i heart you.
"why am i the only one that thinks this combo is wierd?"
u're not!
"k. needs help and he needs to work on himself."
agreed!
"if k.hadnt been raped, do you think he would still have the sexual prefrence he has now?"
no clue.
thank u for ranting. :)
dctop, i think you are on the right track thinking that the intimacy got to be too much. however, that doesnt' mean that he doesn't want it and that you should stop. for somebody who has been used as he has and probably never have somebody really care about him, his relationship with you must be blowing his mind. he will naturally want to fall back into a place that is more familiar--and therefore comfortable--even if it is bad for him. this is such a common psychological pathology. but i think if you stick with it there is a chance--maybe a small chance, but still a chance--that you could make a difference in his life. why not try?
i don't agree with average joe at all that because he is a bottom that he must be monogamous. that's total bullshit. if he needs something from somebody that you don't want to give (and i would bet he doesn't want to get from you), so be it. let him do it. just like you get stuff from other guys that you don't get from him. seems like human nature to me, without even having to label it weird or psycho.
p.s. the crying is about him and his feelings. i'll bet he is not a cryer by nature. i bet he's pretty good at holding it all in. my guess is that you are maybe the first person ever who has allowed him to feel anything. and yes it's overwhelming and scary. and he probably doesn't have any words to express himself. so tears will have to do. i'm glad he is able to have them at all.
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